Tuesday, September 12, 2006

I'm back!!!

I'm exhausted from a week of traveling and coming back to find out all the shit that's been happening to my blog and web site. I'm going to say, first of all, I don't hate the band and I didn't blow up the cube.

Secondly, I wasn't out to kill myself, you miserable fuckers. I was going on a long walk. Literally. And where did I go? It's really none of your business, but in the interest of clearing things up, I was on a backpacking trip through Europe. First stop, the wineries of the Czech Republic. I got totally plastered wandering through Moravia's 11,000 hectares of wineyards. Next stop, the wine country surrounding Bordeaux in France. Okay, so I was having such a great time I don't remember anything, but here's the web site. Then, I stumbled into the Père Lachaise in Paris, where Jim Morrison is buried. Over his grave, I downed a bottle of whiskey in his honor. Yes, I got the whiskey from a convenient store, and it was very convenient.

So, yeah. Neon Phosphor had a pretty good time. But then I logged onto the blog at an Internet cafe in Amsterdam, and what do I see? That bastard taking over my blog.

I came back on Friday morning and saw that little shit sitting on my Blogger Dashboard, and he threatens to turn me in for blowing up the cube. The nerve! I was like, I wasn't even there, what the hell are you talking about? Then, the police came and took me in for questioning. I was like, I didn't do anything, I wasn't even there, why don't you ask Pascal 'cause he's the one who probably wanted to frame me? I told the police to go check Pascal's secret hideout, behind the holes in the schedules and the holes in the walls. Sure enough, when they did, they found the weapons of mass destruction: a copy of Photoshop and Dreamweaver that was used to blow up the cube. Then, Pascal confessed to his crime and they put him away.

It turns out he always wanted to be the mighty Tonics publicist and then took advantage of my vacation to pull off his miserable scheme. Yes, we were friends when we were young, but he got jealous when I appeared on Sound Check and he didn't. And when I cashed in bigtime on the sale of my chords to "Anne Bancroft," Pascal got really pissed. But I didn't think he would ever act on his anger.

Well, as he was being escorted to the police van, Pascal had one more thing to say: "It was a great idea! It was a great idea! Was a great idea but never in practice." Indeed.

As they say, it's "back to regular programming" on this blog. Fuck.