"When is your next record coming out?"

----Tomorrow, when we extend our record of most consecutive days not playing a single note to 404.

"But I heard that Steven's been playing with a bunch of street musicians."----Not true. The traitor is currently playing with Excel formulas and pivot tables.

"How's the rest of the band doing?"----Since 2006, we've been holding a multiple measure rest at 120 bpm, currently at 17,452,800 measures and counting. At the conclusion of this rest will be a Dm.

"How much longer do we have to wait?"----I'm not going to ruin it, man.

The Tonics at the recording studio?

"My source from the paparazzi told me that three Tonics visited the studio where most of the album was recorded. Did you guys record something?"----Yes, we recorded a new high score on Commander Keen IV: Secret of the Oracle.

"No, really. Did you guys at least play through your old songs, just to break the ice?"----Almost. We played through some missions on Jetfighter I, in order to blow up some buildings being used by our Soviet enemies.

"Our long-range microphone picked up some strange electronic music emanating from the studio. Are you guys switching genres, like Radiohead with Kid A?"----No, what you heard was the SimCity Classic theme song being played on the PC speakers.

"How about the fact that a PA was spotted in your car, while you guys were in the studio?"----Who the hell are you? Quit snooping around! We are going to incorporate that PA into the ultimate video gaming system.

You're Only Human (Do You Know What You're Doing?)

The Tonics have released the promotional video for "You're Only Human (Do You Know What You're Doing?)", a song that was recorded back in 2005, but was left off the album because it didn't fit. Enjoy.

Happy Xmas (War Is Over)

"Okay, I heard that the Tonics are reforming this holiday season, true or not?"

----No, it's the long lines that are reforming at the shopping malls this holiday season.

"Great moments in rock and roll: The Marvelettes have gotten almost 6,000 plays on YouTube. Any plans for more videos?"----I'm not surprised. The Marvelettes were a greater band than the Tonics could ever hope to be... 18.7 times greater, if you do the math.

"What the hell is that building at the end of your videos?"----That is not just a building. That is our god, the cube. Mock the cube again and die.

"Is your cube like a Borg cube?"----No! It is actually more like a cubical version of the Death Star.

"Are the Tonics going to release their album for free, like Radiohead just did?"

----No, our album sounds nothing like Radiohead.

"Is there a future for the Tonics?"----Didn't we make that clear enough when we played at the No Future Cafe?

"I've noticed a recent burst of activity on the Neon Phosphor blog. Does this mean the band is about to do something?"----And Lucy tricked us into it?

"I spoke with a friend of a friend of the band, and she told me that the band has stockpiled a whole bunch of new songs for an upcoming album project. Is that true?"----You're getting confused with our stockpile of food for the upcoming nuclear winter.

"What's your favorite song on the album?"----Finally, a good question. The answer is "Paranoid Android." You were talking about OK Computer, weren't you?

"I heard the Tonics are going to record a new song."

----Yeah, and the Smiths are going to reunite. And Morrissey and Johnny Marr are going to embrace on stage.

"What about the reports that the Woods, formerly the Lava Lounge, have been contacted by the band's management?"----Clicking on their MySpace does not a booking request make.

"I love your CD! You guys should play at my party!"----I love our CD, too. It's great for a game of CD ring toss. We would be happy to play that at your party.

"Are you ever going to update the web site?"----Does this count?

The Tonics featured on KALX "The Next Big Thing"

That's right! According to the Yahoo! Group for The Next Big Thing (KALX-FM, Berkeley), we were featured on the January 23, 2006, episode. Unfortunately, none of us tuned in, so we have no idea what they played or what they said about us.

"way to go, phosphor. i thought you kept up with these things."----Shut up. For all you know, you may have won a Grammy this past February.

In other news, KDVS-FM in Davis played "Lucy Tricked Me Into Something" on the 6/12/07 edition of the Kid Courageous & Tigerlily show. That's less than two months ago. Maybe we should print some more of our albums, because I have a feeling these DJs are playing from our EP.

"Tell me, how's life away from the Tonics?"

----Let this disturbing film by Ian Asbjornsen answer your question:



The soundtrack is wonderful, by the way.

"Any new songs in the pipeline?"

----Yes, our songs are swimming in sewage at the moment.

"Why does the magazine still say Summer 2006? It's almost Summer 2007."----"Almost" doesn't cut it for me. Either it is or it isn't. The fact is, it's not summer 2007, so why should I listen to you?

"Are you backing Phil Spector to win his murder trial?"----Absolutely not. We are backing Manchester United to win the Premier League title. Spector, on the other hand, is a bad man and probably a poor footballer.

"What the hell? Did the band break up or something?"

----Yes, the break-up is a post-production procedure to ensure the greatness of our next album. Remember, the Zombies broke up before they released Odessey and Oracles, and a year before their single "Time of the Season" became a hit. And, oh, the Zombies are awesome.

"Are you still selling your CDs?"----That's so subjective. I mean, on the one hand, we are, and on the other hand, we are not. What's with all these yes-or-no questions, anyway?

"That's bullshit. Come on, give me a straight answer."----________________________

And a happy new year

Today, the Tonics informed me that my services were no longer required. Then, they disbanded. Of course, I was very upset, but before I had a chance to shoot back an e-mail telling them to fuck themselves, they formed an oldies appreciation society and tribute band Solid Gold & the Rhythmic Souls ("The Tonics," for short) and hired me as their publicist. Anyway, here's another great moment in rock and roll.

The Tonics meet!

Yesterday, the Tonics had another one of those infamous top-level meetings. As usual, Neon Phosphor was not invited. So, in order to bring you the latest buzz in the world of Tonics, I have to make shit up. So this may or may not have happened at Mark's house:

• The Tonics disbanded and rebanded as The Tonics.
• Music was recorded that would not be heard by anybody for the next ten years, due to the lack of promotion.
• Drugs. Specifically those formulated to treat hemorrhoids.
• The Tonics honored the late James Brown by covering "Papa's Got A Brand New Bag."
  
• The Bose Wave radio revealed a barely-audible snippet of dialogue at around 2:14 on "Lucy" that says "I buried Steven." Steven then confesses that he's not the real Steven, which explains a lot, because the real Steven would not have sold his soul and gone to work for one of the largest accounting firms in the world.
• They decided to embark on their much-anticipated world tour, on a Risk board.
• Creative differences over production resulted in a compromised track destined for the 3rd quarter section of the next album that everybody skips over.
• Arta sang.
  

James Brown

Happy birthday!

Mark turns 23 today. We'll celebrate by listening to some Beethoven, who was born on this day in 1770.

The Beach Boys - I Get Around

That's Brian Wilson on falsetto vocals and bass guitar, showing no signs of the stage fright and various illnesses he would have after 1964. Dennis Wilson is the one rocking out in the back. Mike Love is on lead vocals.

Stevie Wonder - Yester-Me, Yester-You, Yesterday

The Beatles - If I Fell

The Zombies - Tell Her No

Yes, it is possible to rock out as a hands-free lead singer without having to suffer a seizure on stage or look like a statue. In this performance, Colin Blunstone demonstrates how the proper use of facial expressions and hand gestures could express more emotions than the Thom Yorke breakdown or any emo artist of today. Consider the way Colin sings "I love you" (0:39) in the second verse. Look at his eyes, the way he leans forward... you can detect the anger and bitterness. The second time he sings "I love you" (1:27), it's different... he does it in a more wistful manner. Notice the barely audible sigh that follows. That's some real character development going on under 2 minutes, in this unusually complex song that falls somewhere between a love song and a break-up song.

The Hollies - Bus Stop

It's all about the vocal and guitar harmonies.